The importance of connection during the time of social distancing

We’ve all had to deal with significant changes to our daily schedules over recent weeks. How we deal with these changes is different for us all and depends in part on our personalities, preferences, history and how the changes impacted us personally at the time. Some experienced little immediate change. They were already working virtually a lot and maybe even working from home. For them the significance of what’s happening might have needed more time to sink in. Others experienced a significant shift right from the off and thus woke up to the reality of this fast. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross devised the Change Curve on the basis of observing how people deal with grief. Later it emerged that her curve can be applied for any change we humans go through. There are 5 stages, often referred to as: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Denial might be expressed as ‘this is temporary, we’ll come out of this soon and everything will be back to normal’. Anger often takes the form of blaming others or oneself. Bargaining is the attempt to be in control of the situation. It often takes the shape of ‘If only…’ or ‘What if…’ statements. Depression - here we have the dark thoughts, we feel intensely sad, it’s hard to imagine a way out, this can feel like it will go on for ever. Acceptance - this is the stage where we realise the reality of the situation. We are not happy with it and often never will be. However, we can see that it is what it is. That clarity allows us to plan and move forward.

For leaders there are a few things to be aware of to help people move through the curve. We move through the stages in different ways. Some might move fast, others slow, some in sequence, others jump around on the curve. Some get stuck at a stage for a long time.

What’s true for all of us, is that it’s much easier to get to acceptance when people around us support us in the right way. There’s a huge opportunity here for leaders, teams and companies. It is to build climate and culture. To connect with people on a human level and to support people through this difficult time. Forward thinking leaders will use this period to invest in their relationships, skills and resilience (for themselves and their teams), allowing them and their organisations to emerge stronger and more able to deal with the challenges ahead.

So, whilst being physically distant from people for our own and their safety, it’s even more important to build close and meaningful relationships.

Research has shown that the quality of our connections contributes significantly to our health and well-being and thus to the quality of our work. Something worth noting at a time when we have to make extra effort to connect as we can’t physically see each other.

Here are some tips to help people move through the curve and build good relationships on the way:

1.    Be curious, interested and reach out to people. Do so with an agenda but also without. Right now the agenda can simply be to build relationship, to learn how people are doing, to learn what support they might need. Truly listening is a skill, one that we can continually sharpen. It’s main ingredients are three-fold: giving your full attention, being genuinely curious and interested in what the other person is saying and how they are feeling and having ‘free space’ on your hard disk (your brain) to take in what they are saying. One of the main difficulties I observe when teaching coaching and influencing skills is that people struggle to simply listen, they struggle with the ‘not-doing’ of it. It feels inactive, passive, not action-orientated and hence pointless. We think we only add value by ‘doing’. In listening we add value by simply being there with someone, without fixing them, without offering solutions or suggestions. Simply hearing and seeing them. A good way of seeing the value of this for yourself is to ask yourself when last did someone really listen to you and reflect on the impact it had on you. The current environment needs us all to become better listeners. The fact that we are more stationary might have created more space for us. Take a breather, make space and tune into others. If they were a radio station, tune into their radio frequency and switch off yours for a while. Let them know what you are hearing, sensing, seeing by paraphrasing. Don’t just listen to the words, but also the underlying feelings and emotions and to the things they don’t say but you can detect – a change in their voice, a change in their body language (if you are on a video call), etc. Marvel at the impact – on them, on your relationship, on yourself. One of my favourite sayings helps me with this: ‘the quieter I become, the more I we will be able to hear’.

2.    Openness creates trust. Some of us are private people, we like to keep ourselves or at least our private selves to ourselves. Be open. Share a bit about what’s going on for you. You don’t have to be Superwo(man) all of the time. In fact, people will appreciate if you are human. Let them know how you are feeling, what you struggle with. It makes you easier to relate to and people will find it easier to open up to you. You are the role model as the leader – whatever you do, people will feel they have to emulate. If you are perfect, they will thrive to come across as that too. Vulnerability does create the potential for relationship. And, yes, it can feel risky. The current environment provides us with ample opportunity to open up a bit more as we are sitting in our homes, our kids coming unvited onto the screen from time to time or our pets – allow those things…these are things that make us human and create deeper relationships. And, btw, for those of you, who read this and think why would I want to share this with people at work. Because deeper and more meaningful relationships make it way easier to get the task stuff done.

3.    Praise people. Let people know what they are doing that you appreciate. It’s an under-utilised behaviour in our society. One with so much positive potential. Think back to the last time someone complimented you, or acknowledged something you did or simply said thank you. It gives us energy and encourages us to do more of the same. Be specific about what it is you appreciated and what the impact on you was. Why would you do that? Many reasons but I’ll name three. The person is likely to do more of what you liked if they know you liked it. They will also feel good. It spreads good energy. You feel good because you can feel the impact on them and they feel good. Why wouldn’t you?

My final thought would be for you. Ask yourself where you are on the Change Curve and who you can turn to for support and a good listening. You are human too. It’ll help you to make sound judgments about business critical things and to navigate the challenges and opportunities ahead. There will be plenty, so make sure you and your team are in good shape to face the present and the future.